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10 Things Men Don't Want to Hear in Bed

9:33 AM

Note: This article was written by a guy, for guys. Any reference to "you" below is in reference to men.

Why is it that some people feel the need to say something before, during, or after sex? What is there really to discuss? The weather? Health-care reform? That odd rash? Of course, the only real things to comment on are the actions at hand.

Here, the 10 things a guy doesn't want to hear a woman say...

What she says: "Is it in yet?"
What he's saying to himself: This phrase can be taken one of two ways: either you have an incredibly small instrument or she's accustomed to a much bigger piece of equipment. If it's your blue-veined piccolo that's the problem, well, that's showbiz, kid. You work with what you've got. If it's the concert hall, you might want to consider moving to venues that handle smaller bands and don't sell as many tickets.

What she says: "I want to watch you sleep."
What he's saying to himself: Hear that noise? She doesn't own a cuckoo clock. Those are the birds circling her head and warning you this chick is flightier than an airport on a holiday. Watching someone sleep is a step away from making dolls from their hair. Don't fall asleep. You may wake up bald or, worse, in a relationship with this head case.

What she says: "That's it?"
What he's saying to himself: Men and women have different definitions of sex. Men hope that while every romp might not be an Olympic spectacle, they will at least earn an "A" for effort. Having a woman ask if "that's it" is a pin prick to the ego balloon.

What she says: "My ex used to... "
What he's saying to himself: Nothing is a bigger mood-kill than hearing about her ex before, after, and especially during the act of humping and bumping. Sure, her ex might have done a couple of fantastic feats to help her achieve complete sextacy, but he also stole her debit card and buttered her best friend's muffin when she was at work. Remind her of those facts.

What she says: "It's my first time."
What he's saying to himself: It's a common misconception that all men want to be the first to conquer a virgin. This is true up until the age of 18. After that age, men want a woman with a little more experience (to make up for the fact they are still pretty clueless). A virgin in the sack means she will probably be both terrible at sex and emotional before, during, and after.

What she says: "My husband is home!"
What he's saying to himself: If you know she is married, you probably figured this could happen one day. If you assumed she was "single," then this is partly your fault. That's not the issue right now. You've got bigger flounder to fillet. The flounder's name is Steve and judging from the sound of the footsteps he outweighs you by a Buick. Real men don't fight; they use windows to get out of Dodge.

What she says: "Can't you just hold me?"
What he's saying to himself: It doesn't take much for men to get horny. A slight peek of cleavage, a quick rub of her thigh, even a stiff wind in a pair of comfy shorts can get the soldier at attention and ready to enter the war. When a guy is charged up and a woman just wants to cuddle, it's a huge ego and pocket rocket disarmer. Can't she cuddle with one of the hundred stuffed animals in her room?

What she says: "I read in a magazine that men like their anus touched."
What he's saying to himself: Ask to see that magazine. Roll it up, throw it in the garbage can, and burn it. You should tell her that she shouldn't believe everything she reads in magazines and that spot is strictly off limits...unless you are into that stuff.

What she says: "It happens to everyone."
What he's saying to himself: It does happen to everyone. But you don't give a damn about the rest of the world; you only care about the fact that you couldn't get your fun bone to join the party.

What she does: Snoring
What he's saying to himself: Men try to ignore the fact that women are also human and experience all the same nasty side effects of the human body: farting, burping, and especially snoring. A woman who can saw more logs in the sack than her male partner is a huge turn-off. "Oh, sorry babe, did I elbow you by accident? Just trying to get comfy, didn't mean to wake you."


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