Note: This article was written by a guy, for guys. Any reference to "you" below is in reference to men.
Why is it that some people feel the need to say something before, during, or after sex? What is there really to discuss? The weather? Health-care reform? That odd rash? Of course, the only real things to comment on are the actions at hand.
Here, the 10 things a guy doesn't want to hear a woman say...
What she says: "Is it in yet?" What he's saying to himself: This phrase can be taken one of two ways: either you have an incredibly small instrument or she's accustomed to a much bigger piece of equipment. If it's your blue-veined piccolo that's the problem, well, that's showbiz, kid. You work with what you've got. If it's the concert hall, you might want to consider moving to venues that handle smaller bands and don't sell as many tickets.
What she says: "I want to watch you sleep." What he's saying to himself: Hear that noise? She doesn't own a cuckoo clock. Those are the birds circling her head and warning you this chick is flightier than an airport on a holiday. Watching someone sleep is a step away from making dolls from their hair. Don't fall asleep. You may wake up bald or, worse, in a relationship with this head case.
What she says: "That's it?" What he's saying to himself: Men and women have different definitions of sex. Men hope that while every romp might not be an Olympic spectacle, they will at least earn an "A" for effort. Having a woman ask if "that's it" is a pin prick to the ego balloon.
What she says: "My ex used to... " What he's saying to himself: Nothing is a bigger mood-kill than hearing about her ex before, after, and especially during the act of humping and bumping. Sure, her ex might have done a couple of fantastic feats to help her achieve complete sextacy, but he also stole her debit card and buttered her best friend's muffin when she was at work. Remind her of those facts.
What she says: "It's my first time." What he's saying to himself: It's a common misconception that all men want to be the first to conquer a virgin. This is true up until the age of 18. After that age, men want a woman with a little more experience (to make up for the fact they are still pretty clueless). A virgin in the sack means she will probably be both terrible at sex and emotional before, during, and after.